Why You’re Not Getting the Part

(The piece nobody talks about)

There’s plenty of advice in theatre: Practice harder, be yourself, don’t compare, but there’s a quieter truth that keeps a lot of talented people stuck: You don’t become what you resent. If you secretly despise the people who “always get cast,” your brain will fight becoming like them—no matter how badly you want the role.

The Ice Cream Aisle Problem

I was trying to explain this idea to my 10-year-old, who spirals into negativity often. Nothing was landing—until I put it this way: Life is an ice cream aisle. Every day, you get to collect scoops: progress, joy, wins, moments you’re proud of; but if you take a scoop of poop and put it on the ice cream, the whole thing is ruined, and you don’t get to enjoy it anymore. That’s what happens when you notice something good and immediately tack on something negative.

• “They got the role… but casting is unfair and biased.”

• “They look amazing… they’re vain.”

• “That performance was great… but it’s only because they have the money.”

You just ruined the ice cream, and here’s the part people don’t like to admit: Nobody wants to hang around someone who smells like that—especially in a collaborative art form. If you’re always looking for poop, you’ll always find it, and you’ll ruin every scoop you could have enjoyed.

What Do You Say About People Who Have What You Want?

This is the question most people avoid: When you see someone who’s very successful at something you want, what story do you tell yourself about them?

Be honest.

When you see someone extremely fit, do you think:

• They’re so vain.

• They only care about themselves.

And yet… you want to be healthier.

When you see someone extremely wealthy, do you think:

• Spoiled brat.

• They are so selfish.

And yet… you want to be wealthier.

When the same actor gets cast again, do you think:

• They’re such a try-hard.

• They’re not even that nice.

• They don’t deserve it.

• The whole decision is political.

And yet… you want the role.

To protect our ego, we turn success into a character flaw. That way, we don’t have to ask the harder question: What might they be doing consistently that I’m not yet willing to do? That moment is where growth either opens—or shuts down.

Why This Actually Affects Casting

Research across psychology shows that people learn best through observation—but only when the brain feels safe and curious. Resentment triggers threat and threat shuts down learning. Admiration does the opposite. When you respect someone—even quietly—your brain starts noticing:

• how they rehearse

• how they take corrections

• how they prepare

• how they pace themselves

If you label high performers as “not my people,” your behavior will unconsciously align with not becoming one of them. That shows up in auditions, it shows up in rehearsal, and casting panels can feel it.

The Uncomfortable Practice (This Is the Work)

So here’s the practice—and yes, it’s awkward at first.

When you catch yourself thinking:

• They’re so vain.

  Try: “They’re taking care of themselves. They look so awesome. Good for them!”

• They always get cast. So annoying.

  Try: “They work hard. That consistency is paying off. They’re on fire! ”

• They don’t deserve it.

  Try: “They earned this moment. I can learn from them.”

You don’t have to fully believe it yet. You just have to understand this: It is not worth the risk of putting poop on the ice cream. Not yours. Not theirs. This isn’t about being fake. It’s about keeping your growth pathway clear.

Theatre Students: Competition Isn’t the Enemy

Competition is essential—when it’s framed correctly. Healthy competition raises standards, sharpens awareness, and shows you what’s possible. Unhealthy competition turns into bitterness, isolation, and self-sabotage. When comparison becomes judgment, it poisons the process. When comparison becomes curiosity, it becomes fuel. The students who grow the most don’t ignore excellence—they study it without resentment. Remember, growth cannot happen in isolation; keep yourself close to those who push you. Refuse to be intimidated and choose to be inspired.

Director’s Notes

This applies to directors, too. Directing is hard. You’re juggling limited time, limited resources, conflicting personalities, and constant pressure to deliver. If you walk into rehearsal looking for obstacles, you’ll find them. If you walk in looking for solutions, you’re statistically more likely to find them. Mindset research consistently shows that a positive, opportunity-focused orientation improves:

• problem-solving

• creativity under constraint

• collaboration

• performance from others

Your cast feels which aisle you’re shopping in. If you’re looking for poop, the room will smell like it. If you’re looking for ice cream—possibility, solutions, growth—the show gets better.

The Bottom Line

You don’t become what you resent. Students who resent excellence don’t grow toward it. Directors who dwell in bitterness struggle to lead beyond it. Stop looking for poop. Collect the ice cream, and protect it from any unwanted toppings. Learn from the people around you. When mindset shifts, the work improves, and everyone in the room can feel the difference.

Would you join me in a New Year’s Declaration?

My old ways of thinking does not serve me.

I choose to think in ways that support what I want.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Let’s get out of our own way and find as much “ice cream” as we can!

RESOURCES:

Bandura, Albert. Social Foundations of Thought and Action: A Social Cognitive Theory. Prentice-Hall, 1986.

Christakis, Nicholas A., and James H. Fowler. “Social Contagion Theory: Examining Dynamic Social Networks and Human Behavior.” Statistics in Medicine, vol. 32, no. 4, 2013, pp. 556–577.

Oyserman, Daphna, et al. “Identity-Based Motivation: Implications for Action-Readiness, Procedural-Readiness, and Consumer Behavior.” Journal of Consumer Psychology, vol. 27, no. 1, 2017, pp. 69–82.

National Bureau of Economic Research. Peer Effects in Education and Beyond. NBER Working Papers, www.nber.org.